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Oct. 25th, 2011

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This is it. The year of death, so many have perished, at the peak of their existance. Is this the meloncholy that I feel in my soul? Why when I should be celebrating, another year survived, another year wiser, do I instead feel disappointment and disgust? When will I overcome this feeling of failure I feel within myself.

One no longer will share this day with me anymore. I don't know how I'm going to make it through tomorrow. THis is not a day of happiness for me, another day where I need to try to put him behind me to move forward. Strange irony that death is.

I feel that I'm giving in, succumbing to all of the challenges that life is giving me. I refuse to push more, because I have already pushed so hard. This is no challenge from God, just how the world works. And if there is no reason for it why should I try to fight it. I celebrate myself to early and don't punish myself hard enough. How can I ever get to where I want to be with this entitled mentality? But I'm also tired, this city is weighing on me. I feel that I can never be good enough, or self deserving, or selfishly motivated to really win here. I will always be somewhere behind the front and somewhere ahead the end.

Attempting to redeem myself as a conciencious, cultured human mind is taking its toll on my body. It's weak and tired, now that not every second of my time is eaten up by that verb. How can I do it all, I don't have enough money. I don't know how I can do this but I need to. I need to at least be happy in one area of my life, the thing that is easiest to control. My beauty.

That keeps me from all of my friends. I just want to retreat, but at the same time I need them, need their support, or at least keep me from going crazy. I'm making all of these excuses as a reason to be the way I am. I've never felt that to be acceptable now. Why now? Maybe I'm really realizing that life is too short, but isn't life too short not to be everything that you can be?? When will these questions cease being asked and start being answered. When will I REALLY have time for me? When will I REALLY be able to focus on myself?

I'm always saying tomorrow, tomorrow I'll start again. No more tomorrows, today, right now, make up for what I've let myself do. Maybe I can break out of this, or maybe I'll join so many others, no, they were great, I am not.

Jul. 18th, 2011

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Anticipation.....so strong my heart skips a beat....

I feel that I can do it. Today, I thought it was lost, I was defeated and ready to give up. But its with me again. The rain brought it back, it tried to drift away, but it was not lost.

(I have two journals so it is getting very tedious to try to remember to write in both of them.) This one is mainly going to be dedicated to how I can become my new persona....rather than my feelings and questions in my life. Please forgive me if I may digress from these topics on occasion, as I have said before, words flow through my fingers better here than through the liquid ink of a pen.

Today, I am not so happy with the shape of my body. But I am working on it. In fact I ate so little that I am already drunk off of two glasses of wine, not even, only one. Bad wine at that. I am happy about that. That is how I will succeed again. I have been eating around 900 calories a day. Except the last two days which I at god knows what 'cause I had a two day hangover. Cannot do that again. What a fuckin' waste of my time! But I learned I cannot let myself get that out of control again. I'm not productive and I fuckin' screwed up a week of good eating and exercise in two days. This change stops now.

Tomorrow I am going to Yoga in the Am and then I will have a snack before work probably yogurt, 150 and maybe some granola. Although that is very fatty. Then lunch at work will be a salad like normal, just an egg and veggies and fat free ranch. Then a Special K Bar Snack and an apple or two that they have at my work on display. If I can stick to it tomorrow it will be a very good day....and I will.

I am going to attempt to eat more raw as well. I just need to read the book I got so I can figure out what exactly "raw" is. I am excited about that. I actually think I am going to read it now, I'm feeling overly anxious for some reason so I am going to get off this thing.

Jul. 10th, 2011

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Just did a bunch. Fantastic. Haven't done it in a while and it feels so good. It...is....so....addicting.....

God, thank god I'm not back in SF and hanging with all the dealers. What am I doing? I want more. Can't have more, boo. It was so good to feel that again.

Please, please, please...

I make no sense right now. Want entertainment. Now...

Jul. 1st, 2011

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I woke up around 128 this am. My scale isn't digital so if I move my weight fluctuates so I can only give a general estimate of my weight. But I'm goin to be good today. Do some power vinyasa later, relax and finally take care of myself. Plan today:

Special K bar - 90
Apple - 70
Salad w/hardboiled egg, fat free ranch dressing and garbanzo beans - 250
Nature Valley Bar b4 yoga - 140

Dinner is to be determined.

550-400 burned in yoga is 100 net. I really need to get rid of this layer of fat on my body.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Jun. 27th, 2011

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Story of my Life

I feel fat....again. I am disgusted with myself....again. I'm being weak.....again. I've talked about restricting hard core again, but its only talk. I haven't pushed myself to do anything. I can't believe it. What is wrong with me? How can I possibly get a boyfriend like this. I am such a disgusting fatty.

I need to start restricting as of tomorrow.

Only fruits and veggies. Very low cal. At lunch I will get a smoothie from Jamba Juice or some fruit from the fruit cart by my work. I just want to eat watermelon. That is it.

I can't belive that I've let myself get up to 128 again. Disgusting. To me that is a sin, I am all rolly polly with tons of rolls when I go to yoga. I need to work out more. I need to walk more I need to eat less. Gross.

I can't do this. New York is too beautiful to look like this.

You can occupy the space beside my side.....at least until the price becomes too high.

Jun. 22nd, 2011

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Intoxication of the Senses

Somehow, on to a new phase in my life. What good is this for except to start a new chapter. But a chapter can't be new unless there is a precise of origin. That is today, now, right this moment.

Not about love, not about lust, or learning, or questioning, or reasoning, but anything and everything that I can do and become right at this moment. What am I and what do I want right now?

As always, 1/2 a bottle of wine down, back to my old devices, although I feel I've never left. Just taken a short hiatus. Have I grown since my last epiphany, sure in knowledge, one can't go through life without happening to learn some lessons, but in wisdom, who knows, in some ways I feel more naive. Not so sure about who I am or what I want. When I think I have it it slips away like trying to catch a stream of smoke. There are fault lines in my bones from all of the trauma of my years and the next big one could send me crashing down, fault sinking into the earth and sliding down the mountain into the sea. Nothing the owners could do but sit and watch their life fall away.

I'm in a perpetual state of motion right now, perhaps to keep me from having to much time to have reality sink in. The wakes of emotion follow me at this pace, but should I stop they will crash into the side of my boat, an island in the sea, without anywhere to anchor.

(I would like to digress for a minute to reflect on how wine seems to bring out the inner writer in me. Be it by achohol content or placebo effect I know not but how my verse seems so much more poetic that when I attempt to write by hand.)

So with no anchor, limited food and supplies what do I do. Drive, speed, race....keep moving so the waves don't crash down on you.

Always the questions:

What do I want? Who am I? Who do I want to be and who do I want people to see?

(Smoke Break - I don't know if I've relayed it, but it is one of my new vices.)

What I want: perfection. Its always the ultimate goal.
What is Perfection? Perfect looks, mind, psychology, love.

A perfect body with outstanding cultural skills and knowledge. Perfectly dressed everyday, the perfect most logical way of thinking about every situation, lacking any moral obligation and complications. Being able to think as being outside even when your in the thick of it.

What do I want people to see?

A perfect lifestyle, amazing home, listens to the best, greatest, most obscure music imaginable always knowing what is next before the next person. Always immaculately dressed, day in day out, no sick days no bad hair days. Able to carelessly make friends and discard them, lovers too. A true muse, an artistic, carefree spirit.

What do I need to achieve this?

An adult apartment, furniture, neat, vintagey things that I know all about. Lots of history and interest to tell my guests.
Better location, Williamsburg or S. Williamsburg.
My own job, hours, rules. Working on it.
Cultural knowledge, music, life, goings on. Historical reference and allusion.
Closet full of amazing vintage and designer pieces. So that each morning when I get dressed I look like I took minutes to get ready even though its meticulously put together. When someone asks who is that I can say "Vintage so-and-so" or "Some relevant up and coming designer"

And lastly a perfect body. Size 0 skin and bones, model-esque. Perfect hair perfect skin.

I will think of how to accomplish these things tomorrow. Until them, dream perfectly.

Jun. 12th, 2011

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Absence makes the heart grow fonder.....

Here I am. Again. Running to you, when everything gets dark. Strange how even in the hottest days it seems dark as night. Like a film lays over my eyes and turns everything to ash, everything I've been learning about myself and believed in can be blown away with a gust of wind.

Statues where I used to sit protected in their shadow have started to crumble and it becomes my job to repair. But where are my repairs? Can no one see the cracks starting to form, the weather eroding my skin leaving behind a trail of dust, but there is no trail, it does not last long enough before the next storm blows it away.

Mind. Body. Spirit. All entangled in their own webs. Mind allows the spirit to break down and make the body weak. Too many metaphors, to much.

When I feel that I am really embracing humanity and the things that I have gone through humanity seems to prove me wrong. I have far too much faith in human kind. There is no happy ending. There is no american dream. These were all made up bedtime stories to keep humanity on the right track to give people motivation to live. But its in our true selves to sabotage this, we know its not right. There is no one perfect for you, you just have to settle for the one that is ok. You'll never be happy with what you do, just happy that the only person you hate when you get to work is yourself. Your kids will never do better than you because you can't teach them what you did wrong, you ask yourself that every day.

Why do I need sexual re-enforcement from a man that I'm worth it. Why do I feel that there is an intimacy in this that proves that I am better than the rest. More beautiful, more intelligent, more of everything. But there is no intimacy there, only a purely animal hunger, a physical ache which we were built to have to do nothing but to continue the race. As we've been programed by society to move forward keep going, but why, they give us no reason.

My body is getting tired and older. It shows. It's gaining control and becoming wiser, I need to punish it. It cannot get away with this. I need to take control. I will take control. Starting now.

For the rest of my life. and maybe death.

Mar. 28th, 2011

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It never ends, seeking sanctity from the outside world I focus internally. Myself, making me better, smarter, more interesting, more sought out, more mysterious, more creative. In an effort to become the one who is so fluent in understanding the world and other people that I cease to be human, all emotion becomes a logical train of thought where I can talk myself out of any situation and any feeling. Progress is slow, but it is starting. Able to physically allow myself in a situation but mentally absent, seeing from the outside what those in the middle could never see, both sides and then some.

I try to get further and further away, and then when I think I do I get pulled back down into the whirlpool of emotion, unable to swim away. Something so heavy has a hold of me, I feel that I will sabotage it. How is it possible that I become so overcome with this? One person steps into my life and changes it? no not changes my life, it is the same as it was, but adds to it. Gives me reason to believe that I can stop building the walls around me and let my flesh hang out, vulnerable. But I latch on too quickly, its a quick nose dive. I should never stop playing the games I play, making them love me...or the illusion of me.

What do I want them to see? Intelligence, creativity, openness, a new way of seeing, free from societal rules and restrictions to do what I want the way I want but still interested in the increasingly losing battle of good human nature. (Does that make sense, I feel words working their way from my brain out my fingers, no thought process of mine helping to shape them)

What does it take?
Foreign Language
Artistic Endevors
Freedom from moral complication

Without feeling any moral injustice just makes you feel numb. No temperature, no pulse. But right now I don't feel so cold. I've jumped headfirst into the anticipation of love. My brain exacerbates my sense of existence at this moment in time.

I need a distraction. Got to get away, make my brain stop thinking.....of you. You've made a puddle out of all of the bricks that I've tried to put up. You're wedged in so deep Ill need a lobotomy to get it out.

Jul. 7th, 2010

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It. Is. Hot.

It is hot....

So hot. I had makeup on a couple of hours ago but now it is all sweated off. Trying to keep cool is as hard as trying to find water in the desert. Keeping my hair down today was a mistake and even this cotton silk dress, pushing the boundaries of decency is not enough to keep my temperature down.

But at least I am not sick anymore. Being sick in this heat would be awful. (Just like I was two days ago.)

I've moved on since Nathaniel and I broke up. I think I am being a pretty good sport, I've decided that since I don't know what I want I shouldn't insist on being with someone. Although, sometimes it does get lonely. Well, not lonely so much as just boring. Like now, what do I do for an hour while I wait for time to tick by before I head into work. *Sigh*

I've decided to move on and see what else lies out there. I really want to meet new people and get new friends. But it is true. Friends are hard to find, especially for the opposite sex since they primarily just want to fuck me. I am going to go on some dates, and have actually met some really cool people, who, I hope will turn into a friendship in the future. A blog photographer, which as corney as it sounds, seems pretty cool. I do think that he would be interested in sleeping with me but I have been very good at not letting them get their way with me. And a few guys that I actually think are quite attractive have expressed some interested in me. We'll see what happens. If nothing else at least it will be something to do with my time.

I do feel like I have grown quiet a bit since my time here and I am expecting much more growth. Which probably wont be easy. Right now, I should be focusing on my job and doing things that make me happy and I should try to indulge my creative senses. First thing by starting that blog I want to do so badly. I really need to go get a memory card for that damn camera. I should do that today.

I am going to be taking French classes in Williamsburg this summer. Which I *hope* will also make me new friends. It really is too bad that I am ok with hanging out with myself. I have been doing a lot of reading, and want to keep doing that. It is a way for me to relax and escape and takes my mind away from thinking about boys and why the only guys that want me are the ones that just want sex and why none of the nice ones will talk to me. Of course I could always make the first move, but we both know that isn't going to happen. I still believe that there is some gentlemen out there who knows how to treat a women, and knows to make the first move.

This is a time where I have to just rely on my friends and the good people in my life that love me and care about me.

Over the next few months my job will really be taking up a lot of my time. I will be managing both stores, trying to make sure that everything is ok between the two. It will definitely be stressful, and a challenge but I think that I can do it. I will go home in a week to see my family and then I will deal with that when it needs to be delt with.

Wish me luck. And hopefully it will get cool soon.

Jul. 1st, 2010

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Vulnerable lamb...

Just as I began to let my guard down and feel like there was something real between Nathaniel and I, he believes there isn't. I actually don't even want to talk about it, I thought I wanted to blog about it but just reliving that cold shock that only a computer screen can deliver hurts. Even though, this is actually what I believe I wanted. I was just getting comfortable, why? ease, consistency, boredom. It would have never have lasted, we didn't have anything real, even when I first met him I kept my real self hidden, trying to become the person that he wanted to see. Not that he didn't see the real me, he did, I just kept it under wraps for so long, and then I feel like when I started opening up, maybe it was too late, maybe he didn't like what he saw, whatever its over.

I am trying to take this opportunity to learn more about me, what I actually wanted to do from the beginning when I moved here. Do what I want, meet new people, develop new relationships and do things that really matter. The things that I want to be able to tell my kids when I get older, the things I want to put in scrapbooks when I have boxes and boxes of them. Things that I can be proud of and things that I can learn from. I'm going to take a french class in Williamsburg, hopefully meet some new people that I connect with, who understand me and who can help me learn about myself. I am going to make an attempt at not being a "lump on a log" while going through this period of time. I am trying to be an adult and open myself up to all the opportunities which my present themselves now. I am looking forward to it, although I might be a little nervous.

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