One no longer will share this day with me anymore. I don't know how I'm going to make it through tomorrow. THis is not a day of happiness for me, another day where I need to try to put him behind me to move forward. Strange irony that death is.
I feel that I'm giving in, succumbing to all of the challenges that life is giving me. I refuse to push more, because I have already pushed so hard. This is no challenge from God, just how the world works. And if there is no reason for it why should I try to fight it. I celebrate myself to early and don't punish myself hard enough. How can I ever get to where I want to be with this entitled mentality? But I'm also tired, this city is weighing on me. I feel that I can never be good enough, or self deserving, or selfishly motivated to really win here. I will always be somewhere behind the front and somewhere ahead the end.
Attempting to redeem myself as a conciencious, cultured human mind is taking its toll on my body. It's weak and tired, now that not every second of my time is eaten up by that verb. How can I do it all, I don't have enough money. I don't know how I can do this but I need to. I need to at least be happy in one area of my life, the thing that is easiest to control. My beauty.
That keeps me from all of my friends. I just want to retreat, but at the same time I need them, need their support, or at least keep me from going crazy. I'm making all of these excuses as a reason to be the way I am. I've never felt that to be acceptable now. Why now? Maybe I'm really realizing that life is too short, but isn't life too short not to be everything that you can be?? When will these questions cease being asked and start being answered. When will I REALLY have time for me? When will I REALLY be able to focus on myself?
I'm always saying tomorrow, tomorrow I'll start again. No more tomorrows, today, right now, make up for what I've let myself do. Maybe I can break out of this, or maybe I'll join so many others, no, they were great, I am not.